As an adult dealing with ADHD, motivation has always been a struggle. I would say that there is a difference between physical motivation, versus the motivation that keeps you fighting for the goals you place. With ADHD, physically moving is a difficult task that I have been learning to work with. Coupling that with my mental health, panic and anxiety would set in rather than replacing my inability to move. In the end, I was left anxious and immobile. Thankfully through therapy and medication, I was able do something about my anxiety and harness all the motivation to keep pushing through. While that was the case, there were other obstacles I was faced with. As psychology would call it, there are negative reinforcements and negative punishments that come along with this medication. If I were to take the medications daily; I would get rewarded with the academic achievements I want. On the flip side, I would feel weak, tense, malnourished, and left feeling like an imposter.
Through time, my therapist and I have concluded that I felt the best when I am able to tackle tasks needed from me because that is what makes me feel closer to my goal. For each task I am able to accomplish, my motivation continues to grow stronger. On the surface, it felt like I was on the right track. Although deep inside, I could not shake the fact that I could not have done it without the help of medication. It felt as though my motivation was not strong enough to move me.
At the start of each semester, I try to prove to myself that I can push forward without the help of any medication. I start off motivated, ready to take on the semester. All I was left doing near the end was pick up the pieces as best as I could and finish strong with the help of my medication. Proven wrong once again, I was at a point where I needed to figure out what the best plan of action was going to be because it was no longer the medication versus me. It was me versus my future.
From what I have learned from that realization was to accept myself. Finding peace with the fact that this is my reality so that I can use it to my advantage. From this, I have learned to work well under pressure, learned to deal with adversity quickly, found the best studying methods, found in what element I excelled in, and learned how to efficiently hyperfocus on the tasks on hand.
My final thoughts: I will not let this get in the way of my future.
